Gentle Reader,
This time of year, at least at my alma mater, is time for young men to put on their best suits ( or their borrowed suits, or the suit they last wore when they were 4 inches shorter and 20 lbs lighter) and the young women they are trying to woo balance on platform heels that would make most experienced strippers fall while wearing a dress that will give them the ability to be "classy" and yet do moves on the dance floor that can't be seen except for on E!.
(note: all of these things are things I've either heard about or seen first hand) -Falling asleep in your food - usually dinner is at 7 and I know that the kids now a days like to "Pre-Game" but keep it together liong enough to eat the food that will soak up some of that really cheap vodka you've been drinking -Threats to jump off of balconies due to lost love - I know it hurts, but he/she isn't worth you, and it's one date but all that happens if you jump is a mess, and more paperwork for me and I hate making that call to "Nationals" and filling out the mountain of paperwork. - vomiting in public places - i understand that, on nights like this, you are not buying that food and drink, simply renting it, but turn your rental back in somewhere privately. No one wants to see you do that, and while it's sort of funny to watch you hold your dates hair up (and quite endearing; that's true love) it's not something I really want to see -you shirtless/pantless- I'm talking to you, frat boy! I know you have been working out in the student gym for the moment during your favorite grind song to show off your newly found abs, but stop it. You sell the idea to potential recruits and the campus at large as gentlemen. In this day of video everywhere, do you really want the reason you didn't get that awesome intership to be a video of you, shirtless, grinding on someone, put to a gay porn soundtrack (it happens) -voyeuristic sex - it's formal, not a porno shoot. I shouldn't be able to walk into any open room (banquet hall, guest room, storage closet) and see you, sorority girl, coyly showing one boob, or you frat boy (probably my brother) trying to convince her that "just the tip" is OK. Really? Really? no. Get a room. Lock the door. Don't have a roommate, you cheap bastard. Don't be so loud that people think something bad is happening. Bring some music.
staying on sex...
-you not bringing protection and trying to use a myriad of things to replace a condom (toothpaste is still my favorite) If you do/did this, and your SO says it's ok, then you get what you get and godspeed. -having an ass/bitch/douche as a date - I know that formal is the social event of the season ( i know of women that have gone to great lengths to snag an invite to my chapter's formal - at one time it was indeed the hottest ticket in town) but if you do get invited, remember that - you are an INVITED GUEST. Hopefully you wouldn't act like an idiot if invited to your date's family's house, so why do that here. Keep your clothes on (see above), handle your liquor, make sure you meet as many people as you can (you never know how that networking might work for you) and don't pee in the pool... -not making it to the dinner/dance. It's the Holiday Inn Rosemont, not Vegas...make plans to hold your drinks to a point where you can walk, not fall down in elevators and actually have a conversation with your dinner companions. -leave during the middle of the event. I know, the last thing you want to do is hear guys like me give speeches or, if you're a date, listen to who wins Brother of the Year, or Super Special Sister, but stay. You never know when your alums, intent on buying the room a few drinks, will show up and the room will be empty - BAD. while I'm speaking of alumni, make sure that you recognize that, if you see alums of a certain age, with a woman (or a man), especially if that woman(man) has a ring on her left hand, that's probably their spouse. Make sure you say hello, and introduce yourself. Also don't exclaim that these "old people" are taking over/crashing your formal, and don't call them cougars or jaguars - very bad. know what the dress code is - formal, at least in college, means semi formal. Find a suit and wear it. A cardigan doesn't cut it. Find a tie and wear that. Wear dress shoes, with dark socks. Do not dress like a pimp, unless you are one (If I ever walk into a formal and see someone wearing a suit out of one of the colors of the rainbow, understand that I will clown you, in front of your date, and then she'll leave with me, or one of your brothers that didn't bring a date lastly, do not, fight your twin brother to the death, or cause anyone any bodily harm. Do not cause any bloodshed, and let's keep the police presence to a minimum. I don't want to have the potential of going to jail, or have to fill out paperwork, or call your parents. All in all, have a good time.IF you are reading this on facebook, please leave us your favorite formal story, embarassing or cute.Marc...
